My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize