I'm going to jail i love you
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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