I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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