Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
PANTIES FOUND
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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