Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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