I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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