I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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