he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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