I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
