You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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