# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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