I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
