She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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