I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
