Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
