You're so nebulous sometimes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
