So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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