someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
