Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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