I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
