Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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