You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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