Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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