I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
