You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
