I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
