What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize