I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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