youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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