I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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