I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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