First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
bring money and cleavage
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
