Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
