Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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