An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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