my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
