I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
