I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize