What a fucking waste of an outfit
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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