How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The uberlube is also flammable
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
