im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You made out with two different species that night
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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