Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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