Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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