Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i just had sex bonerless
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
