I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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