I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize