In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
