im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
