hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
