She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
