Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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