you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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