My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
