she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize