im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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