Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can't turn off my feet"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
