Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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