I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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