Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
